The Moral Compass

A moral compass is a tricky thing to define. Oh, I know, there's those who would absolutely tell me it's absolutely not a tricky thing and absolutely "this is what the Bible says and without it, you're wrong." Someone did that this week. Phil Robertson said, in a speech,

“I’ll make a bet with you,” Robertson said. “Two guys break into an atheist’s home. He has a little atheist wife and two little atheist daughters. Two guys break into his home and tie him up in a chair and gag him. And then they take his two daughters in front of him and rape both of them and then shoot them and they take his wife and then decapitate her head off in front of him. And then they can look at him and say, ‘Isn’t it great that I don’t have to worry about being judged? Isn’t it great that there’s nothing wrong with this? There’s no right or wrong, now is it dude?’”

Robertson kept going: “Then you take a sharp knife and take his manhood and hold it in front of him and say, ‘Wouldn’t it be something if this [sic] was something wrong with this? But you’re the one who says there is no God, there’s no right, there’s no wrong, so we’re just having fun. We’re sick in the head, have a nice day.’”
“If it happened to them,” Robertson continued, “they probably would say, ‘something about this just ain’t right.”

If you've managed to avoid Christian fundamentalist circles, this probably sounds like the biggest bunch of bs you've ever heard. Unfortunately in this world, they really do believe that if you don't believe their version of the Bible, then you have no basis for right and wrong, that your marriage doesn't have any hope of succeeding, that you're going to hell and that you must be the most confused, despairing person out there. They pity you, which to me is incredibly offensive and disgusting.

This speech by Robertson started to solidify some random thoughts that have been bouncing around in my head lately.

For instance, I've heard versions of this many times over the years:

 



 

To me, this implies that your marriage is somehow better when both parties love and worship the same God. And conversely, if you don't worship God, your marriage will fail, or will somehow fail to be "as good" as a Christian marriage.

 

The problem with this is that I know plenty of crappy, failed "Christian" marriages, and plenty of great marriages that are not Christian. If this were true, the divorce rate in the Church wouldn't be the same as the divorce rate in the world. I should know. I divorced a pastor. If anyone should have had a handle on God and marriage, it should be the pastor and his wife, right?

 

I feel like when we make these absolute statements, which really are just dogmatic assumptions, we fail to really hear and see the people standing in front of us; the people we work with, love, talk to, hang out with. When we don't listen to those who are different than we are, it's easy to become self-righteous in our own supposed goodness.

 

I decided to ask some friends, who are atheists, or who just aren't Christian, where they found their moral compass. Assuming that an atheist has no moral compass, just because he's not Christian, as Phil Robertson and many others do, is the height of arrogance.

 

Most of these people I know are some of the nicest, kindest, most moral people I know. They are amazing husbands, wives, fathers, mothers and friends.

 

Everyone I talked to said very similar things. If you have ears to hear, read on.

 

My friends told me that most of them were taught right and wrong by their parents. They had parents to teach them how to be kind to others, how to be in relationships that were healthy, how to help the downtrodden, and how to love, forgive and say sorry, how to respect themselves, others and the world around them.

 

Most of them said something along the lines of, "If it's hurting someone else, it's wrong."

 

Ummmm, kinda sounds like someone else I've heard before.

 

"Jesus replied, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it, "Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

 

My friend, Alan, said something similar drives him:

 

Aleister Crowley, “Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. Love is the law, love under will.” I think you'd enjoy reading his thoughts in depth:

 

http://addblog.tumblr.com/post/114604849220/how-do-you-decide-whats-right-and-wrong

 

And I have to agree with all of my friends, whether they believe in God, the universe, Karma, or they don't know what they believe, Love supersedes all.

 

I personally believe God is Love. And whether or not a person believes in God, He still loves them and has placed his Love in them. Why do we love others? Because they are made in the image of God. Because they are worthy of love because they exist. If something I say or do or support or suppose, makes another person feel UNloved, it's wrong. You don't get to choose if you think someone feels loved. If they feel unloved by you, you are not showing love. Show love in a way that speaks to each individual heart.

 

This whole idea of what love is and what right and wrong is, is very close to my heart, because my husband does not identify himself as a Christian. And yet, he shows Christ-like love to me and to our children everyday. By serving, by giving, by kindness, by gentleness. His words and actions speak love loudly in my life. His actions convince me that God loves me, because if an imperfect (as great as he is) human being can love so greatly, how much more does God love me, and all of us, perfectly?

 

I have met many professing Christians, who are convinced of their greatness and righteousness, who are the most unloving people I know. I have known many who do not profess Christ, to show amazing love to all.

 

I believe God has written His love on our hearts; on all our hearts. We would do well to remember, that no matter what our religious preference is, if we are unloving to those made in the image of God, we are nothing. We accomplish nothing.

 

I Corinthians 13:1-3 "If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing."

 

Love is everything. Love is God. God is Love, and without it, I don't care who you are, you are nothing.

 

If you love with an "if", you accomplish nothing.

 

If your desire to make people understand what you believe is the Truth, but do so in an unloving way, you have made your words and actions useless. Love is the Law. 

 

Choose to listen.

 

Choose to hear.

 

Choose to affirm.

 

Choose to empathize.

 

Choose to love.

 

 

 

 

Ending the Mommy Wars

I've been contemplating the wealth of information available to us as moms. Blogs, Pinterest, Facebook, online magazines and newspapers. Then today I saw this Similac ad. http://similac.com/sisterhood-of-motherhood It so perfectly sums up the Mommy Wars.

Information comes at us from all directions. Every piece of info claims they are right! Breastfeed. Bottle feed. Co-sleep. Sleep in a crib. Cry it out. Baby wearing. Vaccines or not? Cloth diapers or disposable. And it doesn't end as the babies grow up. Public School. Private school. Homeschool. Sports. Arts. Music lessons. Free range kids. Stranger Danger. Screen Time. Video Games. Books. It never ends.

This can all get so confusing and create a lot of division between us. When someone doesn't conform to OUR idea of the right way to raise a child, we alienate and judge. I have a few thoughts to end this craziness.

1. Do whatever the hell you want.

Yes, that's right. Put your fingers in your ears and refuse to listen to the madness. You have an amazing gift called intuition. And when you become a mom, your "mommy gut" gets stronger.

Here's the thing. No one else can be your kids' mom. Think about that and let it sink in. YOU are the only person who can be your kids' mom. Many people can and will help, but YOU are the mommy. Therefore, do what feels right to you as a mom. Trust your God-given instincts.

You may be sleep deprived and frazzled and confused, but please mommies, for the love of god, stop wearing yourself out to be someone else's idea of the perfect mom.

If you want to breastfeel and it goes well, go for it. But you are not a failure if you give your child a bottle. You may record and post a beautiful, natural home water birth on YouTube. Or you may get to your third child, like me, and check yourself into the hospital and demand an epidural immediately.

That's ok. Really. Relax. Unless you're some pyscho, in which case you wouldn't even be reading this, do what comes naturally to you as a mom. Trust your mom gut. You are a great mom!!!

2. You will never raise all your children in the same way; the best laid plans go awry.

For some reason we get this idea that our parenting must look like something out of a book. Straight off a Pinterest board.

"I will have a home birth and then breastfeed until my child is 3. I will only feed them natural, organic food. Then I will attend Mommy and Me classes until they enroll in an excellent charter school. On the week ends we will do ballet and baseball. Before every holiday I will make Pinterest worthy crafts with my kids. They will take honors courses in high school and attend my alma mater on a football scholarship."

I mean, hey if it works  out that way, GREAT! But every kid is different and you will encounter many different seasons of life along the way. Life will throw you curve balls and laugh at your perfectly laid plans.

That's o.k.

One friend of mine loves to run and she loves sports. Her boys play lots of sports. They run races with their mom. And she is a fantastic mom!!!

My sister is a fitness guru. She competes. She and her daughter go to the gym together and eat healthy together. As a single mom, she's mommy and daddy. And she is the strongest, toughest, best mom I've met!!

My co-worker has two kids with Asbergers. She feeds them a lot of organic foods to help the symptoms and takes them to the chiropractor instead of a medical doctor. She is a fun, laid back mom whose children know without a doubt their Mom loves them!!!

I have had three kids. One is all grown up, and the other two are teenagers/preteen. I have breast fed and bottle fed my babies. I've used Gerber baby food and made my own from my organic garden. My kids have been to public school. And private school. And were homeschooled. One was a skier and we spent hours at ski hills. Another sings; I'm a Chorus mom. I've co-slept and had babies sleep in cribs in another room. I've been a stay at home mom and a full time working mom. I am the best mom my kids will ever have!

The point is, they are all amazing kids! Life happens. I was very sick during pregnancy and when my kids were little. I didn't plan that, but it forced my kids to become self reliant. So much for my visions of being the perfect mom Hard to do from your sick bed. I've had to tweak plans when one child was his own person and nothing I did before worked with him!

But, I've learned to drown out the chatter. I do what I believe is best for my kids. And they are happy and healthy and productive members of society.

You may raise your kiddoes completely different than me, and I bet your kids are happy and healthy and well on their way to being productive members of society.

The less we care about and play into the Mommy Wars, the better off we will be. And we facilitate peace between moms when we quit caring about being "right" and just concentrate on being the best mom to OUR kids.

You are a great mom, girlfriend. You are smart. And funny. And talented. And your kids are SO lucky to have you as their mom. Remember that.

Slow Down

We are five days pre-Christmas and I have so much to DOOOOO! But. . .I am in the midst of a very bad flare up of my fibromyalgia. How annoying. It's Christmas. Doesn't my body know I need to send cards, buy gifts, bake cookies, go to parties, clean the house, and on and on?

This week end I've committed to rest. Sleep in, sit down, slow down, NOT stress, do as little as possible. Seriously? The week end before Christmas and my body is forcing me to rest!? Are you kidding me?

And yet, as I think about it, shouldn't that really be what we do at Christmas? We seem to have gotten so caught up in the busyness of Christmas; the "shoulds" of Christmas. I should do this and that. But Christmas should really be a time of reflection, of peace, of love, joy, family. It's hard to enjoy the season when I'm running frantically around trying to DO so much, instead of just BEING.

I've often said that my fibro is a gift. It's hard to think of utter exhaustion and chronic pain as a gift, and yet, it forces me to slow down.

So, it's the week end before Christmas. I've sent no cards. Baked no cookies. I'm relying on others to clean my house. But this only makes me stressed if I let it. Does a lack of cookies and cards mean that I'll enjoy my Christmas less? Only if I let it. My parents are coming in two days. I am focusing on the joy of family. My parents, my kids, my husband. . .all together just enjoying each other. We don't need cards and cookies and a perfectly clean floor to find joy and love in one another's company.

"For the joy of human love,
Brother, sister, parent, child.
Friends on earth and friends above.
For all gentle thoughts and mild.
Lord of all to Thee we raise,
This our song of grateful praise."

     -For the Beauty of the Earth

I'm going to enjoy the simple gifts this year. Family and Faith and Food. Songs and Laughter and Gifts. Silence and Reflection and Love.

Merry Christmas to all!

The Perfect Proposal

I love Pinterest. I can't believe how many of my conversations start with, "Oh I saw this cool thing on Pinterest." I've used my share of Pinterest ideas for finding outfits to wear, decorating my house, crafts, costumes, and wedding ideas. And weddings is where I want to land today.

I'm not against Pinterest at all. Keep that in mind. I have a wedding board FULL of wedding ideas and dresses and a whole board devoted to Bling! But, I feel like maybe social media, Pinterest especially, gives girls unrealistic expectations of proposals, weddings, engagements and relationships.

I once had a "perfect" proposal. A dream, Tacori-inspired wedding ring. A big church wedding with a huge, poofy dress.  But, not a dream relationship, by any stretch of the imagination. With all of the fun I have pinning expensive diamond rings, and designer dresses and watching Say Yes to the Dress, I realize that perfection can be illusion.

I love watching proposal videos on YouTube and Facebook and Pinterest. They always make me cry. But a lack of a "perfect" proposal doesn't mean a relationship is doomed. I love pinning over-the-top diamond rings, and believe me, I would NEVER turn one down. But, a $10,000 engagement ring is not necessarily a sign of true love.

What I'm saying to young women who are inundated with ideas for dresses and rings and proposals, oh my! is this: don't overlook Mr. Right, because he comes in a form you didn't expect.

It's possible that your perfect proposal could happen one night, late in bed. You are sobbing uncontrollably about something, who knows what. You're a girl; you're emotional. And in that moment, that sweet man lying there, holding you, decides, "Oh yes, I want to spend the rest of my life with this insane, crying woman." And he proposes right then and there. And you cry harder, because it's so silly and insane and so IMperfect and perfect at the same time.

Your Mr. Right could be a good, kind man who works as hard as he possibly can to help you make a home, but can't afford to go thousands of dollars in debt for a huge diamond, so he gives you a simple, pretty diamond wedding band. And you accept it with all your heart, because of the love behind it.

It could be that the perfect wedding, is not a grand, $30,000 affair, but a backyard bash with 20 of your closest friends and family gathered around you. Your wedding cake comes from the grocery store and your decorations are inspired from your wedding Pinterest board (cuz it wouldn't be complete if you didn't make amazing, Pinterest-worthy centerpieces). Your wedding dress came not from Bridals by Lori, but David's Bridal sale rack. Your photographer is an insanely talented friend. You feel more love than you've ever felt in your life, because your friends donated decorations, food and talent to your big day and your family travelled from all over the US to be there.

Don't  mistake the trappings of a wedding and wedding preparation for a good relationship. A wedding lasts a few hours, your marriage should last a lifetime.

The Perfect Proposal just may not be what you expected. Perfect may involve YouTube and violins and a 3 karat Tiffany diamond, but don't think that if that doesn't happen, it's not perfect.

The Perfect Proposal depends on your perspective. And if you marry your best friend, then I can assure you, it's perfect.

Kindness Matters!

I've had a jumble of thoughts whirling around in my head for the past few weeks, and recently I realized  they all had one thing in common. My heart hurts from the lack of kindness I see in the world, but mostly within the Christian community. Those of us who are to be "like Jesus" seem to be less and less like Him.

My Christian faith requires me to be kind to "the least of these", "my neighbor", and "my enemies." So really, basically, anyone. As I've matured in my faith, this is what I think that looks like:

I am kind and welcoming to the homeless, the immigrant, the disenfranchised.

I work to help the poor in whatever way I can; yes, with my taxes, my time, my money.

I support equal, basic human rights to those who don't have them: women, the gay community, other races, the unborn.

I raise my voice against injustice and abuse; wherever it shows up. In the home. In the city. In my state. In the US. In the world.

When my enemy is rude and arrogant and downright mean, I respond with kindness.

If someone has a different point of view, belief, ideology, political view, I listen, I may disagree, but I do so with kindness.

I feel like so much of what is coming out of the mouths of church leaders and Christians is anything BUT kind.

Kindness means I serve the needs of others. I look out for others.

I DON'T:

Judge the welfare mom

Condemn and rail against the LGBT community.

Assert my white privilege when I am certainly not part of a minority and have NO clue what they are going through.

Shun those who don't agree with me.

Even if someone is wrong, EVEN IF, as my dad said, "There is never a reason to not be kind."

Kindness wins over the hardest hearts.

Kindness builds bridges.

When I was going through my divorce my dad boiled it down to kindness. He asked my ex-husband, "Can you just go home and be kind to her?"
"No," he replied. "I don't know how to do that."

Kindness would have swayed me. Kindness would have made a difference. Kindness DOES make a difference.

I'm blessed to be married to a kind man. I remember when we were dating, people who had known him way longer than I had, kept saying, "He's the kindest man I know." My heart melted under his kindness and I continue to be blessed by it.

I have friends who are beyond kind. They know my story. My best. My worst. And they were kind. They loved me in my mess and continue to love me. They don't force their agenda on me, but support me where I am.

Kindness starts at home. When my kids are grouchy. When my husband is grouchy. When I am grouchy! I need to respond kindly.

When a client is rude, I respond in kindness.

When a car cuts me off, I am kind (well, I'm working on that one)

When a discussion gets volatile, I diffuse the bomb with kindness.

And when people are unkind, I stand up for those who can't.

We hear it often: Be kind, you never know what battle someone is fighting.

Soar

In a few weeks, my life changes forever. I read a lot of blogs and Mommy articles on having babies and toddlers and even a few on teenagers. But, regarding the uncharted waters of emptying the nest, I find little advice or discussion.

Over 18 years ago, I became a mom. It's really hard to believe it's gone so fast. But, when I was just 22 years old, a baby still myself, I gave birth to my first born on an unseasonably warm Minnesota early spring day. I had always wanted a little girl and was just over the moon when the doctor said those words in the delivery room, "It's a girl!" I hardly knew what I was doing when I brought Laura Jane home, but we muddled through.

I see 18 years of history in snapshots in my memory.

The first time I cuddled up with her in the hospital. I curled around my new baby girl, and holding her was the most amazing feeling ever.

The night she threw up her entire meal down the back of my nightgown. We both had a bath, and sat down to nurse again and she dumped the entire meal down the FRONT of my nightgown.

A little, brown-eyed munchkin running around and around and around in circles in the kitchen, laughing maniacally and hysterically. Just for the sheer joy of running.

A three-year old with blond pigtails holding her baby brother, kissing him over and over and telling him he was, "Kissable, kissable, kissable."

The same three-year old pushing Nate in the baby swing, yelling, "You get to go, boy!" while Nate belly laughed.

The pre-schooler who learned a new word at school and came home and told Nate, "You're a little shit."

The sweet kindergartener who fell asleep every afternoon at school and on the long bus ride home.

The same, sweet 6 year old who dragged a chair to the washer and dryer to do all the laundry, because her Mommy was so sick with her next little brother.

The first and second grader who drove me up the wall when we did school together. Oh my Lord, karma has struck and given me a child as stubborn as I am. Both of us, in our separate rooms crying.

The school girl, enjoying life, friends, teachers at her new private school.

The mature-for-her-age request to homeschool again in 6th grade, because she was as sick of girly drama as her mama.

The dedicated way this new teenager plowed through English, Algebra, Spanish, Literature, and graduated from her home study program a year early.

The fearless skier, hurtling down hills, dodging between gates, making Mom so proud and terrified to watch her race, all at the same time. And that skier who hit a patch of ice at the bottom of a course and plowed into a table full of race bibs.

The smart, brave girl who moved to Georgia and weathered the toughest time a child can; the unraveling of her parents' marriage.

Christmases, birthdays, croup, surgery, shopping, laughing, fighting, crying, hugging, snuggling.

Laura leaves for college in less than three weeks. And from that moment on, she's never going to be living in our homes again. She can't pop round the corner to my house after work, or when she needs to talk. Laura will, from this moment on, be in her own life, starting her own story. She will always be a guest, a very welcome guest, a guest who can stay as long as she likes, but a guest in my home, nevertheless.

I hardly know what to do with this kind of a transition. I feel like I've finished a job well done, and yet left so much Undone and Unsaid. Did I teach her everything she needed to know? Was I a good role model? Will she be ok?

Ultimately I have to trust, that like my mom before me, I did the very best I could, with what I had, and that is enough. I am enough. She is enough. I was not the perfect mom, but I was the perfect mom for her. She was not the perfect daughter, but she was the perfect daughter for me.

Laura amazes me everyday with her bravery, her intelligence, her kindness, her maturity, her servant heart. The woman she is as she spreads her wings and flies, I think is more in spite of me, than because of me. I did the best I could to love this precious girl, and God gave the grace for where I was lacking.

How can a mother be so happy and so sad at the same time? So excited  and so terrified? So full of joy and so full of pain?

A part of me wants to hang on and never let go, but the "good mom" part of me says, "Spread your wings and fly. You are so beautiful and I am so proud of you. Soar."

Unmasking Welfare

There seems to be a great deal of debate regarding welfare lately. I am no great polititian, but I have had the “opportunity,” if you want to call it that, to look at things from another perspective lately. Every time there is a post on facebook the vitriol is what I notice first. Everyone talks about making the welfare recipients undergo drug tests. Which I suppose is all well and good, but always in these posts/rants, is the implied or outright statements, that these people on welfare 1. don’t have jobs and 2. if they can afford drugs, they can afford groceries. I wonder, why does welfare automatically = drugs? I’d like to present to you another picture of someone on welfare.

She is smart, educated and well-put together. She finds herself in a situation out of her control. She’s been a stay-at-home mom her whole life. She’s devoted her life to raising her kids and taking care of her family. But what her family, friends and neighbors don’t know is that she is also the victim of domestic violence. So one day, she finds the courage to get out. But, getting out comes at a high price. She needs help. A lot of help. Her dad helps her pay her rent on her three bedroom ranch home in a middle class suburban neighborhood so her kids can go to good schools. She drives a 12 year old Infiniti, not because she’s wasteful with money, but on the contrary, because she got a good deal and was able to pay cash for a car that is reliable. She works, full-time at the best job she find without a college degree or any work experience. She waits tables. And yes, she has a cell phone, but she needs it to keep in contact with her three children who often come home alone from school. She works hard, harder than you can imagine. She works to better her life, getting better education and a better job because she wants to get OFF of food stamps. But, she can’t afford to feed her growing boys. Not right now, and she’s grateful for the assistance of the state, although asking for the assistance is the most humiliating thing she’s ever done. And every time she pulls out her EBT card she ignores the hateful and judgmental stares of other customers and she vows to make this new job work, so that she can provide for her family.

She is me. And I don’t give a damn what you think. But, walk a mile in another person’s shoes before you judge, and make sure your glass house is rock proof, before you start throwing stones. Sometimes “the least of these” is not who you expect.