The Moral Compass

A moral compass is a tricky thing to define. Oh, I know, there's those who would absolutely tell me it's absolutely not a tricky thing and absolutely "this is what the Bible says and without it, you're wrong." Someone did that this week. Phil Robertson said, in a speech,

“I’ll make a bet with you,” Robertson said. “Two guys break into an atheist’s home. He has a little atheist wife and two little atheist daughters. Two guys break into his home and tie him up in a chair and gag him. And then they take his two daughters in front of him and rape both of them and then shoot them and they take his wife and then decapitate her head off in front of him. And then they can look at him and say, ‘Isn’t it great that I don’t have to worry about being judged? Isn’t it great that there’s nothing wrong with this? There’s no right or wrong, now is it dude?’”

Robertson kept going: “Then you take a sharp knife and take his manhood and hold it in front of him and say, ‘Wouldn’t it be something if this [sic] was something wrong with this? But you’re the one who says there is no God, there’s no right, there’s no wrong, so we’re just having fun. We’re sick in the head, have a nice day.’”
“If it happened to them,” Robertson continued, “they probably would say, ‘something about this just ain’t right.”

If you've managed to avoid Christian fundamentalist circles, this probably sounds like the biggest bunch of bs you've ever heard. Unfortunately in this world, they really do believe that if you don't believe their version of the Bible, then you have no basis for right and wrong, that your marriage doesn't have any hope of succeeding, that you're going to hell and that you must be the most confused, despairing person out there. They pity you, which to me is incredibly offensive and disgusting.

This speech by Robertson started to solidify some random thoughts that have been bouncing around in my head lately.

For instance, I've heard versions of this many times over the years:

 



 

To me, this implies that your marriage is somehow better when both parties love and worship the same God. And conversely, if you don't worship God, your marriage will fail, or will somehow fail to be "as good" as a Christian marriage.

 

The problem with this is that I know plenty of crappy, failed "Christian" marriages, and plenty of great marriages that are not Christian. If this were true, the divorce rate in the Church wouldn't be the same as the divorce rate in the world. I should know. I divorced a pastor. If anyone should have had a handle on God and marriage, it should be the pastor and his wife, right?

 

I feel like when we make these absolute statements, which really are just dogmatic assumptions, we fail to really hear and see the people standing in front of us; the people we work with, love, talk to, hang out with. When we don't listen to those who are different than we are, it's easy to become self-righteous in our own supposed goodness.

 

I decided to ask some friends, who are atheists, or who just aren't Christian, where they found their moral compass. Assuming that an atheist has no moral compass, just because he's not Christian, as Phil Robertson and many others do, is the height of arrogance.

 

Most of these people I know are some of the nicest, kindest, most moral people I know. They are amazing husbands, wives, fathers, mothers and friends.

 

Everyone I talked to said very similar things. If you have ears to hear, read on.

 

My friends told me that most of them were taught right and wrong by their parents. They had parents to teach them how to be kind to others, how to be in relationships that were healthy, how to help the downtrodden, and how to love, forgive and say sorry, how to respect themselves, others and the world around them.

 

Most of them said something along the lines of, "If it's hurting someone else, it's wrong."

 

Ummmm, kinda sounds like someone else I've heard before.

 

"Jesus replied, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it, "Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

 

My friend, Alan, said something similar drives him:

 

Aleister Crowley, “Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. Love is the law, love under will.” I think you'd enjoy reading his thoughts in depth:

 

http://addblog.tumblr.com/post/114604849220/how-do-you-decide-whats-right-and-wrong

 

And I have to agree with all of my friends, whether they believe in God, the universe, Karma, or they don't know what they believe, Love supersedes all.

 

I personally believe God is Love. And whether or not a person believes in God, He still loves them and has placed his Love in them. Why do we love others? Because they are made in the image of God. Because they are worthy of love because they exist. If something I say or do or support or suppose, makes another person feel UNloved, it's wrong. You don't get to choose if you think someone feels loved. If they feel unloved by you, you are not showing love. Show love in a way that speaks to each individual heart.

 

This whole idea of what love is and what right and wrong is, is very close to my heart, because my husband does not identify himself as a Christian. And yet, he shows Christ-like love to me and to our children everyday. By serving, by giving, by kindness, by gentleness. His words and actions speak love loudly in my life. His actions convince me that God loves me, because if an imperfect (as great as he is) human being can love so greatly, how much more does God love me, and all of us, perfectly?

 

I have met many professing Christians, who are convinced of their greatness and righteousness, who are the most unloving people I know. I have known many who do not profess Christ, to show amazing love to all.

 

I believe God has written His love on our hearts; on all our hearts. We would do well to remember, that no matter what our religious preference is, if we are unloving to those made in the image of God, we are nothing. We accomplish nothing.

 

I Corinthians 13:1-3 "If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing."

 

Love is everything. Love is God. God is Love, and without it, I don't care who you are, you are nothing.

 

If you love with an "if", you accomplish nothing.

 

If your desire to make people understand what you believe is the Truth, but do so in an unloving way, you have made your words and actions useless. Love is the Law. 

 

Choose to listen.

 

Choose to hear.

 

Choose to affirm.

 

Choose to empathize.

 

Choose to love.

 

 

 

 

Ending the Mommy Wars

I've been contemplating the wealth of information available to us as moms. Blogs, Pinterest, Facebook, online magazines and newspapers. Then today I saw this Similac ad. http://similac.com/sisterhood-of-motherhood It so perfectly sums up the Mommy Wars.

Information comes at us from all directions. Every piece of info claims they are right! Breastfeed. Bottle feed. Co-sleep. Sleep in a crib. Cry it out. Baby wearing. Vaccines or not? Cloth diapers or disposable. And it doesn't end as the babies grow up. Public School. Private school. Homeschool. Sports. Arts. Music lessons. Free range kids. Stranger Danger. Screen Time. Video Games. Books. It never ends.

This can all get so confusing and create a lot of division between us. When someone doesn't conform to OUR idea of the right way to raise a child, we alienate and judge. I have a few thoughts to end this craziness.

1. Do whatever the hell you want.

Yes, that's right. Put your fingers in your ears and refuse to listen to the madness. You have an amazing gift called intuition. And when you become a mom, your "mommy gut" gets stronger.

Here's the thing. No one else can be your kids' mom. Think about that and let it sink in. YOU are the only person who can be your kids' mom. Many people can and will help, but YOU are the mommy. Therefore, do what feels right to you as a mom. Trust your God-given instincts.

You may be sleep deprived and frazzled and confused, but please mommies, for the love of god, stop wearing yourself out to be someone else's idea of the perfect mom.

If you want to breastfeel and it goes well, go for it. But you are not a failure if you give your child a bottle. You may record and post a beautiful, natural home water birth on YouTube. Or you may get to your third child, like me, and check yourself into the hospital and demand an epidural immediately.

That's ok. Really. Relax. Unless you're some pyscho, in which case you wouldn't even be reading this, do what comes naturally to you as a mom. Trust your mom gut. You are a great mom!!!

2. You will never raise all your children in the same way; the best laid plans go awry.

For some reason we get this idea that our parenting must look like something out of a book. Straight off a Pinterest board.

"I will have a home birth and then breastfeed until my child is 3. I will only feed them natural, organic food. Then I will attend Mommy and Me classes until they enroll in an excellent charter school. On the week ends we will do ballet and baseball. Before every holiday I will make Pinterest worthy crafts with my kids. They will take honors courses in high school and attend my alma mater on a football scholarship."

I mean, hey if it works  out that way, GREAT! But every kid is different and you will encounter many different seasons of life along the way. Life will throw you curve balls and laugh at your perfectly laid plans.

That's o.k.

One friend of mine loves to run and she loves sports. Her boys play lots of sports. They run races with their mom. And she is a fantastic mom!!!

My sister is a fitness guru. She competes. She and her daughter go to the gym together and eat healthy together. As a single mom, she's mommy and daddy. And she is the strongest, toughest, best mom I've met!!

My co-worker has two kids with Asbergers. She feeds them a lot of organic foods to help the symptoms and takes them to the chiropractor instead of a medical doctor. She is a fun, laid back mom whose children know without a doubt their Mom loves them!!!

I have had three kids. One is all grown up, and the other two are teenagers/preteen. I have breast fed and bottle fed my babies. I've used Gerber baby food and made my own from my organic garden. My kids have been to public school. And private school. And were homeschooled. One was a skier and we spent hours at ski hills. Another sings; I'm a Chorus mom. I've co-slept and had babies sleep in cribs in another room. I've been a stay at home mom and a full time working mom. I am the best mom my kids will ever have!

The point is, they are all amazing kids! Life happens. I was very sick during pregnancy and when my kids were little. I didn't plan that, but it forced my kids to become self reliant. So much for my visions of being the perfect mom Hard to do from your sick bed. I've had to tweak plans when one child was his own person and nothing I did before worked with him!

But, I've learned to drown out the chatter. I do what I believe is best for my kids. And they are happy and healthy and productive members of society.

You may raise your kiddoes completely different than me, and I bet your kids are happy and healthy and well on their way to being productive members of society.

The less we care about and play into the Mommy Wars, the better off we will be. And we facilitate peace between moms when we quit caring about being "right" and just concentrate on being the best mom to OUR kids.

You are a great mom, girlfriend. You are smart. And funny. And talented. And your kids are SO lucky to have you as their mom. Remember that.